10.

Today, Zoe is 10 months old. Honestly...as a first time mother I couldn't help but be worried that I would do something wrong and accidentally kill Zoe before she turned 6 months old. I know this sounds pretty morbid, but I'm sure all first time mothers have had this cross their mind. (right? or am I crazy.) Bringing home a little 7lb soul who is so brand new and fragile is so SO scary...I vividly remember coming home from the hospital, swaddling her little body up and placing this little burrito with a cute head on top inside her bassinet.  I sat on the bed and I looked over at her and she was so still, breathing so gently and quietly that I could barely tell she was breathing at all. This rush of anxiety came over me like a sledgehammer as I realized that it was just me (and DH of course).  Where was the button next to my bed that I could press whenever I needed the doctor or a nurse? Where was my mom or my mother-in-law to help me if I didn't know what to do? O yeah...they were thousands of miles away.  And here I was, sitting on my bed staring at this bundle of amazing joy AND terror ( I'm being honest here...) having a mini breakdown/anxiety-freak out attack.  I was so worried that my milk wouldn't come in and that would mean I was a failure if I couldn't breast feed.  I already felt a little bit of a failure because I couldn't suffer the pain and I gave in to an epidural...I still give myself crap for that.
Well, the wave of emotions passed over me and were gone (for the moment). All the anxiety I had felt for the past 9 months about not being able to take care of a baby I just pushed away. It was time to nurse, I thought in my head "if I don't nurse this baby she will die because I am not going to feed her any other way!!!" (I can be quite the dramatic) so i picked up the little burrito and what do you know, I had milk.  I was doing it...I was a mother.  And it was something that just happened. It still weirds me out to say I am a mother, and that I have taken care of something for 10 months without killing it. Quite the opposite actually, she has been a perfectly healthy baby and perfectly amazing. I have been so blessed and I thank God everyday for her.  That little 7lb burrito is now an 18lb bundle of silliness and joy and love and all things good! I think back to one year ago today when I was 7 months pregnant, not knowing if this baby in my tummy was a boy or a girl ( it was so hard not knowing!! but so awesome finding out at the end).  I cried when the doctor said "it's a girl!!!" I thought Zoe was a boy the whole time.  I guess deep down I wanted a girl.  And there she was, Zoe Eden Parra.  DH and I had made a person. (God did, of course. but with my body and DH. hehe) The past 10 months have been amazing.  At the same time, nerve-wracking, tiring, stressful....CRAZY. I love being a mother...I love being a wife to an amazing husband who works so hard to take care of us.  How did i get so lucky? I know one thing for sure I will never take things for granted.  I will try my best to raise my daughter to be a gracious human being... but for now,  all this 10 month old needs is some cheerios (her favorite) and some bouncing around in her doorway bouncy (thank you aunt Gayle and uncle Pete!) I'll try to save the worrying about who her first boyfriend will be or when she gets stitches for the first time for when that actually happens. (NEVER.) ugh. I feel the anxiety coming on again. AHH! ok breathe. (!!)

Burrito with a cute head. With a close resemblance to E.T (1day old)

E.T getting a spanking apparently. (I don't look like E.T!) 10 months old

She's become quite the ruffian.

And she likes being a ruffian. (a cute one!)

She's showing us her top teef almost coming in!